My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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