I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
