Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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