naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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