I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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