Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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