just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
