4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
