i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
