I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
