Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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