Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
