This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
