Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
