every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
