The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
