It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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