I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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