I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
