I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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