she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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