I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
