Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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