getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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