Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
