I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
