just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
