The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
