I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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