She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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