I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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