I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
