Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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