I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Fuck appropriateness.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
