It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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