Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
