I wish I only lived at night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
