I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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