rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
