Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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