im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
