If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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