So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
