why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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