He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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