: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
