Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
