If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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