after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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