I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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