Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
