I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
