i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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