if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
